I know that I have been a terrible blogger over the past few weeks but trust me, I have a very good reason. If you follow any of my social media accounts, you’d know that Ahmad and I got engaged. We set our wedding date for the 21st of Jan 2017. By now you must be thinking… we were busy with the wedding and that’s why I haven’t been posting. Yes and No.
Weddings are stressful. Leaving your own home and stepping into another can be daunting. Becoming a part of another family is an adjustment on it’s own. Getting married can make one feel like you have to give up a part of yourself and no matter how well you think you know someone, you only truly know them once you live with them.
For me, it was that and a whole lot more. Not only will I be leaving my home, but I’d be moving to another continent where I have no friends or family of my own. Becoming a part of another family is one thing but it’s even more stressful when you haven’t even met them. Being of a certain age, you’re more independent and the idea of marriage can make you feel like you need to give that up. Ahmad and I have been chatting for a while but we only spent quality time with each other over the span of 3 weeks. Was that enough to get to know someone let alone marry them?
My biggest issue was that I was divorced and that leaves you wondering… will it ever work out with anyone? What if it doesn’t? What if I’m unhappy and find myself stuck in a marriage simply because I don’t want to get divorced again?
I started freaking out. My head and heart were all over the place. Before we got engaged, I was hesitant to commit. It had absolutely nothing to do with Ahmad and everything to do with me and my past.
I was married to my childhood friend. We knew each other for most of our lives and despite all our efforts, it simply did not work. Even though we made peace with it, ended the relationship in a civil manner and maintained a healthy friendship… being divorced leaves one with a nasty scar and a lingering sense of pain and failure.
When Ahmad proposed, everyone told me to put my fears aside. To have faith and to stop overthinking everything like I tend to do. We can’t always play it safe and there’s no guarantees in life other than death right.? So I decided to perform salatul-istikhara. After a few days, I felt positive and I was confident in my decision and I said yes.
Once I started planning our big day, all the events leading up to it and began packing my my apartment, it hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I was comfortable enough to talk to Ahmad about it and he reassured me that it was simply wedding jitters and that we’ll be just fine.
As our wedding approached, I was still unable to shake the feeling. I had a few anxiety attacks and I’d break out into a sweat every time someone mentioned the wedding or the word marriage. Panic started to set in and I really didn’t want to walk down the isle feeling like this. I mean I’m getting married not being shipped off to war. I should ge excited, not breaking out in hives.
I wasn’t ready and felt like I pressured myself into leaping too soon. Deep down I knew that I should take a step back and think it through but I was meant to get married in 2 weeks. My fiancé, his family and my family have booked flights and accommodation. Venues have been booked, caterers paid. What will people say?
It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make but despite all of the above I knew that as painful as it would be for both of us, calling it off would be the right thing to do. I’d never want someone to feel this way and still go ahead and marry me just because they are afraid of what others might think or say. It’s not fair and he deserved better than that.
I’m blessed to have a family that’s open minded and that’s concerned with what’s right and not focused on doing things simply to please everyone else at the cost of their child’s happiness.
I was amazed at the love and support that Ahmad’s family showed me. It really made me see them for the amazing people that they are. That’s when I knew that should we ever decide to get married, they’d treat me like their own because they supported me like a daughter and not like the woman who called off their sons wedding.
Ahmad and his family decided to still come to South Africa and were keen on meeting my family and I, as were we.
When I saw Ahmad after all those months… I was overwhelmed with emotion. After spending sometime with him and talking about everything that transpired, I felt a sense of calm for the first time since we got engaged. I was reminded of who he was as a person.
I read istikhara all those months back for a reason. I asked Allah for guidance and He showed me the signs so I should trust that right? I tried to remind myself of that for weeks on end but after seeing Ahmad, at that moment I knew that He would not lead me astray. Ahmad asked me again… this time in person… to marry him and in my heart of hearts, I knew that saying yes would be the right thing for both of us.
Alhamdulillah, we managed to arrange our wedding from scratch in under 48hrs and we got married, as planned on January the 21st. It’s been an amazing journey thus far alhamdulillah and we couldn’t be happier.
Please keep us in your prayers and if you have a similar story, do share it with us 🙂
Lots of lumilove 🖤
Shop The Look:
Mehndi – Rabia
Outfit: Manish Malhotra
Jewelry: Dubai Fashions
Hair: Jade – Carlton Hair
Makeup: I did it and had my lashes done by Mac Cosmetics
Mehndi – Ahmad
Denims: Maddox – Myer
Mehndi – Credits
Photography: Tuncay Photography
Videography: Softsquared Photograthers
Gown: Warrick Gautier
Hair: Jade – Carlton
Makeup: Mac Cosmetics
Wedding – Ahmad
Hair: Jade – Carlton
Wedding – Credits
Photography: Ett Venter Photography
Videography: Softsquared Production